Looking Within
I chose to exhibit my conclusion revisions for both essays. I believe the conclusion is the most important component to an essay, because it is the last impression readers will get from a writer’s essay. As I went from draft to polished conclusion, I realized that revision is a continuous process. If a writer looks long enough, there is always something more that can be done to perfect the work. A conclusion should not be bound to a summary of what is stated previously in the essay, but rather a reflection of the essay and a closing remark that leaves the readers awestruck.
Key: Added Text Rewording Grammatical Errors Remarks
Paper 1 Draft 1
Conclusion
Vampirism is continuously changing to meet the desires of the intended audiences as well as reflect the current time period. Everything from their physical appearance, behaviorism, and relationships with others has changed. Historically vampires represented the evils of the world that humans were not allowed to interact or connect with. Vampires are unable to see their own reflection, but they have and will always be a constantly changing reflection of society’s disguised,sinful desires.
Paper 1 Final Draft
Conclusion
Vampirism is constantly changing to meet the desires of the intended audiences and reflect the current time period. Everything from their physical appearance, behaviorism, and relationships have changed. If society longs for the desire to see evil, then the vampire is used as a character of that nature. On the contrary, if society wants to feel the romance of successful relationships that were not meant to be, then the vampire is used as the protagonist. Historically, humans were not supposed to be entangled or hold relations with the evil and corruption that was associated with the vampire figure. Today, we can use vampires as a mirror of our inner mind because they show society’s accepting attitude to touch and live with darkness. Vampires are unable to see their own reflection, but they have and always will be a constantly changing reflection of society’s disguised, sinful desires.
Some words I changed because they sounded better written differently. I have found that in order to see how well words fit within the context of the sentence, it is best to read the paragraphs aloud. I also wanted to show a parallel between society’s desires, so I added the excerpt about the vampire can be used as both the villain and protagonists. I also added a statement about how vampires are reflections of our inner mind, so readers could contemplate the idea that vampires do not have a reflection. I wanted to utilize Hemingway’s Iceberg Theory of an effective writer and leave the readers thinking.
Paper 2 Draft 1
Conclusion
Dave Chapelle was more than a comedian who made jokes about minorities and races. His particular skit “Black White Supremacist” focuses on the stereotypes experienced by African Americans. Clayton Bigsby never got the chance to see things through his own perspective, so his vision was determined by those around him. Often times, society wears masks trying to mold themselves into what they have heard not seen. Having eyes does not always grant someone the ability to see. True vision comes when one is able to see the meaning behind humor.
Paper 2 Final Draft
Conclusion
Dave Chapelle was more than a comedian who made jokes about minorities and races. He wanted to use his comedy as a form of light on those absurd racial stereotypes found in society. However, he was ultimately dissatisfied with his show on Comedy Central, because the audience was more focused on the laughter of the skits and lost connection with the paradoxical message that it represented. He said to the audience, “You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you’re not smart enough to get what I’m doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong. You people are stupid.” 1. Chapelle’s purpose behind his skits was to be entertaining, while still being relevant to issues in American culture. However, once the fans began to lose sight of the truth behind the humor, he realized it was time to see what more was out there for him. Clayton Bigsby was never given the chance to see things through his own perspective, so his vision was determined by those around him. However, when the audience has the eyes to see and do not look beyond the surface, they are just as much blind as Clayton Bigsby. Having eyes does not always grant someone the ability to see. True vision comes when one is able to look through the retina, beyond the surface, to the inner core of the meaning behind humor.
For this conclusion, I decided to use information on Dave Chapelle’s opinion about his show to reflect my points in the paper. I thought it was a nice precursor to demonstrate how the audience and others who do not see beyond racial stereotypes are just as blind as Clayton Bigsby. I added more emphasis on the eye in the last line of the paper, because it allows readers with a better visual of the eye and true vision as a reflection of the skit.
The revision process incorporates tedious backspacing, adding, and tweaking to make words sound and read off the pages in the perfect, rhythmic way. A problem with self-revision is that our eyes are set on autopilot, and can not see the basic changes that are needed for an essay or quote. I have learned it is important to listen as others read my work, to allow me to reflect on the words written. Although our eyes are great for seeing things that need change, it is important to use our other senses when our eyes fail us. Vision can come from other forms than the eyes, and I try to keep this in mind when writing and revising.
With Eyes I See 